El día que decidí confiar en mí misma

“Eres un diamante en bruto, sólo hace falta pulirte”. La historia de mi vida. Yo no lo sabía entonces, pero esa decepción que sentía al escuchar la frase (generalmente pronunciada por un hombre) era el resultado natural de asumir que estaba incompleta y que alguien más lo había descubierto. ¿Qué era eso que me faltaba para ser suficientemente bonita, o madura, o capaz? ¿Qué veían los otros en mí que me resultaba tan invisible? Me quedaba callada. Empequeñecida. Asumía el deber de esforzarme el doble, o el triple para lograr lo que deseaba. Me repetía la importancia de ser humilde y no perder la paciencia.

No podría decir que todo eso fue en vano. Si no hubiera sido por la tenacidad, no escribiría estas líneas sobre mi propio crecimiento. Pero ahora me doy cuenta del daño que me hice al aceptar la idea de que necesitaba convertirme en algo más. Deposité mi esperanza en personas y factores externos que prometieron ser una guía. Pero nunca me di la oportunidad de mirar hacia el interior. De cambiar el enfoque, en lugar de querer cambiarme a mí.

Un buen día llegó la certeza de que lo único que no tenía era confianza. En tiempos en los que existe la tendencia de hablar de amor propio, o de aceptación, parece que esa era la respuesta lógica. Eso no quiere decir que lo entendiera. “Confiar en mí misma” me sonaba digno de ser el título de cualquier conferencia diseñada para señoras amantes de los libros de superación personal. Por lo tanto, echaba el consejo en mi costal del agujero. Y sólo actuaba como siempre, aunque eso me hiciera sufrir.

Hace unos meses leí “El adversario”, de Emmanuel Carrère. Es una novela muy breve que me hizo reflexionar que esa persona que creemos ser es el resultado de sumar todas las ideas que otras personas tienen sobre nosotros. Sean ciertas o falsas, las volvemos parte de lo que entendemos como “la verdad”. Narrarnos nos da cierta estabilidad, es cierto. Pero ahora pienso que si voy a contar la historia con la que voy a avanzar el resto de mi vida, debería inventarme algo que me guste.

¿Tocar un instrumento? Uy, no, nunca…nací con dos manos muy izquierdas. ¿Yoga? Jamás, ¿qué no ven que no coordino? Bueno, me gustaría entrevistar a tal persona, pero ¿y si piensa que mis preguntas son tontas? ¿Y si mi inglés no es lo suficientemente bueno y se ríen de mí? ¿Y sí? ¿Y sí? ¿Y SÍ?

Creo que la confianza, en parte, es una decisión. Todo ha sido distinto desde que me doy la oportunidad de ver más allá de mis juicios lapidarios. No voy a decir que nunca me pasa porque así son los vicios. A veces caigo en la trampa, pero en vez de decirme un discurso que me da impotencia, pienso que soy más que todo eso. Me perdono y sigo adelante. ¿Saben qué es lo más sorprendente de eso? Que funciona.

Ahora, al fin, me reconozco bella y tan imperfecta.

No soy un diamante en bruto. No necesito que ningún hombre me haga el favor de pulirme, ni concentro mi energía en obtener validación externa. Sólo soy. Experimento. Brillo. Intento ser la mejor versión de mi personaje todos los días. Y eso es más que suficiente.

 

*Los textos de la Nebulosa del Cangrejo son contenido original de Anabel Casillas (Twitter: @DimeChascona)

145 Comments

  1. Luis
    February 28, 2018

    Me gustó tu reflexión. Hace tiempo aprendí de la manera difícil que la opinión que los demás tengan de ti no te hace menos (o más) de lo que eres.

  2. Yazz Casillas
    February 28, 2018

    Me da mucho gusto leer esta reflexión, espero poder leer más textos surgidos de esta naciente fuerza interior.

    May the confidence be with you …always

  3. Lupita
    March 1, 2018

    Anabel: Tienes la razón, eres un DIAMANTE y no necesita ser pulido, debe ser exhibido. No te detengas, lo peor que nos puede suceder es frenarnos por el miedo.
    Yo te admiro muchísimo y aprendo de ti cada vez que te veo…cuando sea grande, voy a ser como tu.

  4. Billy
    March 2, 2018

    Que bonito es leer algo así en un día como hoy en el que te cuestionas todo esto, “¿seré suficiente?”. Y la verdad es que a veces sobrevalorados lo que el dolor puede hacer en nosotros y es que venimos del dolor, es un sacrificio para poder crecer y nacer a la vida y descubrirnos en toda la gama posible de nuestro yo.

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